if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
She even gives head with a lisp.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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