I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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