i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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