This is not my ceiling
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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