Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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