using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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