So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
