dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
