I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
