I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I would ride that face into the sunset
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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