this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
