Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
What did we do last night that was yellow?
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
