I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
