You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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