I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
