it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
