I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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