So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
