Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
