Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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