It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
