it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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