You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
