I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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