I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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