How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
