I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Randomize
