when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
