maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
