Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize