bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
