I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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