I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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