I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
