I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
