just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
