I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
