Sacagawea was the original milf.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize