The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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