she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize