I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
