Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
