1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I supernannyed him into submission
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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