Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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