the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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