The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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