I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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