Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
