So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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