Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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