so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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