this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
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