I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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