I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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