Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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