she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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