Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
im six kinds of drunk right now
i think i have herpe
just one?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
