i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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