just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
