I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
