I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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