I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
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