uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
